You know that helpless feeling when you realize you can't control the things that happen around you?
My Aunt calls it falling without a net
I call it groping around in the darkness screaming for help and you can't see or feel anything.
That's where I've been since Monday Dec 23 2013 at around 10:00 am Central time when we first got the call that Petepaw was failing. Fast. I grope around in this ever present darkness searching for something, anything, but wanting my Father. I scream for HIM. I call out in anger and fear. Then when I finally stop and listen I hear HIM whisper my name sweetly:
"I'm right behind you Dear. I've been back here this whole time. Just turn around and you'll see me."
But I don't turn around and rush into HIS loving arms, even though I so desperately want to. Because all to often I let fear control me. So I sit down in the darkness and HE sits beside me.
"My world is falling apart." I tell HIM
"I know Baby"
"and I can't make it stop!" I cry
We sit there in silence for some time. He's waiting for me to speak.
"I'm sorry I'm crying. I know I shouldn't. I should be happy for Petepaw instead of selfishly crying for him. He's happy now and so I should be happy for him too I guess. Isn't that how it works?"
"If your crying is selfish, then why did I cry when my friend Lazarus died?" HE says
(HE like to say things like that to make me stop and think. Guess that's WHO my earthly Daddy gets it from) I sit again in silence once again, thinking over HIS words. HE is right. HE always is.
"Is Petepaw happy?" I ask unsure if I can even ask such a question.
"What do you think? What did you tell Izzy at the hospital after you saw him?"
HE is right. I told Izzy, who sat crying on the floor, after I saw Petepaw that he was happy. Because he was. If he felt happy the last day he was alive, how did I think he felt now that he was in his eternal home?
"Did he find Patt and Aren?" I ask referring to my sister and brother who were never born
"Yes. And he loves them."
Tears weld up in my eyes again and I cry. And HE loves me for crying anyway. HE wraps me in HIS arms and tells me:
"I know you feel alone. I know you hurt. I know there are times you feel like you need to be the strong one for everyone else. I know there are times you just want to crawl in a corner, curl up in a ball and cry. And I know you wish that this was all a dream and could go back asleep, wake up and everything be perfect. But it doesn't work that way Baby, I'm sorry, it doesn't work that way. Everyone has their time and that time must end at one point, it always does."
He strokes my hair in a way only someone with fatherly love can.
"But I promise, I'll be here. I'll be here during all those times you don't understand and those times you think you do. I won't leave you. I never did.
I was there in the Pearl Community Room when Aunt Rie got the call to go to the hospital and left you, Delia, Shelby, Max and Izzy all confused and worried. I was there In the hall when you called Hannah seeking help and advice. I was sitting in the chair with you when you called your daddy who was hours away and you wished he was there with you instead. I was in room #326 with you and gave you the strength you asked for to tell Petepaw how much you loved him. I was holding you when you found out that I had taken him home. I was there as you watched your brothers and two boy cousins carry his lifeless body to his grave. I was with you when you traveled home without your mom. I was holding you every time you felt alone and you didn't realize I was there. I was with you then and I'm with you now. I'm here when others can't be and I'm still here when they are.
And I promise I'll never let you go."
I cry at those words, while HE loves me. And He doesn't let go until I push away from HIM.
"Are you ready, my love, to walk this long road ahead of you? The road that leads to where you can say "I'm all right now?""
I nod and sniff back my tears. "Just hold my hand please."
HE smiles down at me "Oh Honey I'll do better than that." and HE picks me up in HIS wonderful strong arms. The same arms that made the universe, destroyed nations and carried the sick. The same arms that carried my Petepaw and now, HE carries me. Into the light down the long road to where I can say "I'm alright now" until I can walk it myself. Then HE holds my hand
and never lets go
and never leaves.
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